Tag: The Rock

John Cena Heel Fail, SmackDown Sucked

Clive BallsLeave a comment

Lovers of WWE, along with its sycophants, slaves, and fan service outlets, lauded John Cena’s Brussels Heel pitch. It proved that if you’ve swallowed The Fed shaped pill and drank from their Kool Aid, any above average match is a five star classic and a run-of-the-mill promo is Shakespeare. 

It’s not that Cena’s promo was terrible on Monday’s Netflix show. It was just very . . . meh. After a near perfect execution of his turn at the end of Elimination Chamber, the (delayed) follow up was empty. The turning on the fans trope is tired. Cena’s new character came across as two-dimensional, when he has the capacity to play a much deeper role. There’s certainly scope for a multifaceted Heel Cena. Well, at least there was. Now, we’re left with one who’d had enough of no one asking if he was okay. 

The potential to explore the extent of his new relationship with The Rock should have been front and centre. With that, he could have described what “selling his soul” entailed and what he’s already received. 

Alas, that never happened. It feels all intelligent plans were scrapped and instead, someone read Vince McMahon’s diary from the Seventies to find out what makes a basic bad guy. 

Old school heat — but not in a good way. 

To think, once upon a time when they considered flipping Cena, he made a new entrance theme and sought out different attire. 

When the time actually came, it was more of the same, diluted down into a bitchy, misguided, bitter part timer. 

It was easy to boo last Monday. But it wasn’t because of the excellent character work bringing on genuine heat. It was the standard of the segment. 

And people called this industry changing? Comparing it to Hogan and the nWo. 

The Big Show had better Heel segments and he had more turns than an F1 car. 

SmackDown sucked the following Friday in Italy. A segment with Reigns, Rollins and Punk should have offered the chance to upgrade the verbal barbs. It was short and hardly sweet.

RAW is in Glasgow, Scotland next. A rough, gritty city. Babyheel Cena needs to soak up the local atmosphere and reboot his new persona or the Road to WrestleMania is going to feel like a grind.

Baywatch – Review

Daniel SimmsLeave a comment

It’s tricky giving an objective view of the new Baywatch movie. That’s because it has an identity crisis of sorts. Sure, it’s a beautiful image – there’s lots of eye-candy – but it gets lost somewhere between knowing this is all over-the-top, self-depreciation and a worthy action movie with TV detective tropes.

That’s another issue, it never quite feels like a movie. Not the type you pay to go see in the cinema. It’s like a really flashy, CGI enhanced, TV movie. I’m sure Dwayne Johnson didn’t have this in mind when he agreed to replace David Hasselhoff as Mitch Buchannon.

Except, he hasn’t really replaced him. Turns out this isn’t technically a reboot, The Hoff also played a lifeguard called Mitch and handed the keys over to The Rock after serving as a mentor. So, the Baywatch a generation enjoyed on the telly is canon.

Although, we’ll spare the show a link to this. Not because it’s terrible (ignore the one star reviews), it’s just too far removed from anything serious or plausible. That’s right. The TV show was like The Wire in comparison.

The movie sees a new team form before our eyes. Mitch already has his C.J. in the guise of a warm Kelly Rohrbach (don’t worry Pamela Anderson pops up again too, and she’s called Casey Jean). She’s so warm, she is the love interest for team trainee Ronnie, who looks like a little Har Mar Superstar.

Mitch’s number two is Stephanie Holden played by Ilfenesh Hadera and spared a reunion with an equally named TV counterpart. As are Summer Quinn and Matt Brody. They divert from the television styling. Summer is now feisty, played by Alexandra Daddario.

Zac Efron’s Brody is a bad-bay Olympic swimmer with two golds in the bag, a scandal where he cost his relay team a medal, and no home to go to. The lifeguard gig is a community support punishment he doesn’t take seriously.

He continues to point out the police should run investigations, not the Baywatch folks. He obviously never watched Baywatch Nights. Mitch has a bee in his bonnet about Priyanka Chopra’s Victoria Leeds. She’s opening beachfront clubs and has an eye on property.

Mitch has her to blame for a spate of bodies washing up on “his beach” and the surge in drugs.

The way the idea of the team’s sense of duty is pushed, starts out as laughable until you realise this isn’t one of the script writers attempt at humour (many other moments will have you wondering if they are meaning to be funny, tried but failed, or oblivious) but a cringeworthy ideal.

The detective segments are padded out with dick jokes, flirting, run ins with authority figures, spew references, spewing, a few saves in the water, more action scenes on land, and a lot of flesh on display.

Anyone that criticises the movie is coming from a solid base. It isn’t laugh after laugh (but there are laugh out loud moments) and for a film running at over two hours, that’s not a great indictment for a “comedy action flick.”

But perhaps those that have consigned it to movie hell failed to see the flashing lights in the opening scenes declaring this movie as anything but taking itself seriously.

It pokes fun at itself and others. It allows The Rock persona to appear in Johnson and his supporting cast add a good dose of heart. And by the end – if you’ve been opened minded – you will feel a connection to these characters.

For that reason, it can’t be hammered with a low score, nor is it reinventing the simpler genre it inhabits, so it gets a healthy…

6/10

The Fate of The Furious (Fast and Furious 8) – Review

Daniel SimmsLeave a comment

Just as the trouble finding a title that works across all markets is a problem for those that run The Fast and the Furious franchise, it has become hard to recall a standout identity on screen. The Europeans have been given the simplified version of adding a number eight to the title. Such a high rollout is usually the reserve of horror movies. Has director F. Gary Gray been able to avoid slashing up the moneymaking car-based property?

First off, let’s spare a thought for the man replacing James Wan. With each movie, it becomes harder to justify the fanfare (buckets of cash aside). Also, he is the first man to tackle a plot that has to exclude Brian’s role entirely following Paul Walker’s death.

The main problem is how the series hasn’t felt gripping since Michelle Rodriguez reappeared from death in a post-credits scene. It took ten minutes into the latest instalment, with her character Letty and Vin Diesel’s Dom enjoying a honeymoon in Havana, to realise these answers had already been fully explored and a full adventure had taken place in London since.

That’s the problem with “new” Fast and Furious films: they are great for the two hours you watch them, but are instantly forgettable.

This one starts with a street race reminiscent of simpler times, when it was good old street races, a bit of undercover work, and not big set-pieces. It can’t last in a modern version of a film bearing the name (in any guise) connected to this franchise. It is now Bond on Wheels, and we all remember what happened to that series when the stunts became too far-fetched…

Because they are brains-out movies, no spoilers or hints will be dropped here. It’ll remove the ten seconds of reveal you may be interested in. The main premise is how Dom goes rogue and is recruited by cyber terrorist Cipher, played by Charlize Theron.

He’s hunted by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Luke Hobbs, himself now an outlaw from his own government after the initial mission went tits-up when Dom went rogue. He’s aided by Dom’s own team, and Jason Statham’s Deckard Shaw.

Yep, you read that right. Far from me to be a cynic, but the baddie gets a new backstory added where he was a decent captain in the SAS but his government sold him short – just like The Rock’s! Forget that he then became a ruthless murdering bad guy.

The thing is, there’s no need to care. Believability is suspended, so why not just enjoy the characters as they come? Also, it gives us Helen Mirren popping up as Shaw’s mum. In the process, we see a posh bird trying to sound like Peggy Mitchell from EastEnders.

A special mention should go to Kurt Russell. This was a screen-stealing edition of Mr Nobody and when you compare his turn in Guardian of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and this, you appreciate just how diverse his range is.

The same cannot be said of Nathalie Emmanuel as Ramsey. The Brit needs to drop the overaccentuated well-spoken words and be more natural in the role. With a screen awash with warm characters, she is the odd one out. The static, cold, sterile (pretty) face.

The plot has been criticised for being bloated, long, and dull. That’s a major knife in the back, it’s actually okay. The cliched parts aside, and the massive suspension of disbelief required (and that’s a great thing, otherwise we’d be robbed of Shaw’s comedic shoot-out toward the film’s end), it does reach the scope it aims for.

Okay, it is best served as a hangover film when you need a quiet Sunday afternoon, perhaps not what the studio want to hear, but with two sequels planned, their cash cow has some milk left in it.

There’s rumours Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel clashed during this movie’s production. From a marketing point-of-view, that is ironic because moving forward the franchise Vin started might have to become The Rock centric in order to survive.

6/10