Brightburn – Review

Let me get this out of the way before we start: I think Superman is a wet fart. He’s all powerful, like a god so should never actually struggle. He’s an annoying Goody Two-Shoes. I see him as a snowflake’s wet dream. But stripping away the poor execution, the dude has a cool origin story. There’s solid potential.

Why all this talk of Superman for a horror movie review? I hear you ask. It’s because the creators of Brightburn must also feel the same way about Supes. Sure, the premise is good, let’s just give it some beef. This leads to a cooler version of the Kents. Elizabeth Banks (fitter than any version of Martha Kent) plays the surrogate mother to the crash-landed alien. Brandon Breyer is our new Clark Kent, played by a Jackson A. Dunn you wouldn’t trust watering your plants.

He’s a creepy little shit, and his step-dad twigs on which leads to trouble in the family home. Not as much trouble as what’s heading the way of anyone who Bad Breyer takes a dislike to. His landing pod keeps attempting to make contact with him, sending spooky alien messages while he’s sleeping. Unlike the Krytonians, the planet Brandon’s from wants world domination.

Full props to the movie makers for producing this on such a tight budget. There is a fair amount of CGI but it never looks poor. The horror won’t have you jumping or squirming, it’s a little by-the-numbers but it’s a good alternative take on a superhero trope.

Director David Yarovesky is up next for DC, presumably making them reluctant to start lawsuits for a blatent ripoff of their leading property.

It’s worth checking out, if only because it serves as proof kids become a pain in the arse once they hit puberty.

7/10

Big Brother 2018 Review

It’s with sadness Big Brother will finally leave UK screens. At least, that looks to be the case but it feels too big to be left on the TV scrapheap for long. For eighteen years it has been the original and best reality TV show. The last season started with a nod to the past but perhaps also went some way to explaining why it lacks a definite future.

Over the years, it’s been no secret this writer wanted to get into the famous house at Elstree Studios but this series finally turned me off the idea. It’s often the case the most entertaining housemates leave too early. In this year’s show, if we reversed the timeline of evictions, it would have made compelling viewing to the end.

Instead, the final season limped like a lame dog during the last fortnight. Characters (because that’s what housemates become) either showed their true colours (Zoe) or grated beyond belief (the rest of the finalists).

Could I have coped in a house that was unclean, where shoes rested on pillows, the floor looked like a vacuum cleaner had been emptied on it, and the only activity was people smoking?

Nope. I’d have gone full aggro-bellend to pass the time.

Which could explain why Lewis F was so quick to start a pointless argument. He overstepped the mark with Kay, she clearly asked to stop the chat, but Lewis F needs to peck at people’s heads as much as Tomasz needs to lounge around like a camp Jabba the Hutt.

Lewis F showed his softer side, helping Cameron come out on national television. The cynic will wonder if that was a plot by the eventual winner. His disingenuous reactions to being scared in tasks prove he has a taste for the theatrics.

The last Channel 5 Big Brother did feel retro. Isaac, Kenaley and Akeem all felt like legitimate additions to Big Brother folk law, along with Lewis F, Kay and the underappreciated Lewis G.

Cian felt like a bit of a cheap imposter and Sian proves that good looks can get a person far in the absence of a personality.

It was sad to see Emma Willis and Rylan bid farewell to a show they obviously care about. Willis has been a worthy successor to Davina’s mantel (we’ll forget the Brian Downing attempt to host the show) and hopefully retains her spot should the show be revived.

I can’t say I’ve watched every season like a superfan. Some years I haven’t even been in the country during the summer. But a quick look at former winners shows enough names still jump out as recognisable even now.

Big Brother has been more than just a reality TV show, it has been a way to chronicle popular culture over the last two decades.

Venom – Review

It’s quite fitting that the first movie I review here is about a guy coping with multiple personalities while running around in a mask. One that suspiciously looks like Spider-Man headwear. Okay, before we dive into the Venom review, we need to address the Spidey Elephant in the room. Venom without Spider-Man is like The Joker without Batman. Well, they’re gonna do that soon enough so we can try our best to move past it.

Let’s face it kids, if a person like me who has spent large chunks of his adult life wearing modified Spider-Man masks can get over the altered origin story, you should try too. But I’ll not lie, the film was always going to struggle with such constraints. The problem is Sony losing its balls. Their best Spider-Man was the amazing Andrew Garfield. Had they carried on with those movies, this Venom could have been the proper version.

Instead, we relocate to San Francisco but retain Eddie Brock as a New Yorker. He had to move to get away from some trouble. You know, the trouble of your origin story joining the MCU without you. Thankfully the strong chemistry between the leads, Tom Hardy and Michelle Williams, means we soon forget about webslingers.

What we have is an alien symbiote that needs a host. Evil baddie Carlton Drake is trying to assimilate humans and the aliens, Venom – as he becomes known to us – escapes and chooses Eddie. What follows is decent action and a fun ride. Picture The Mask but with adult violence, superheroes and a good love interest.

It deserves a sequel and hopefully some Sony exec will grow a pair and bring the best Spidey back for a showdown.

7/10

WWE Battleground 2017 – Review

Let’s get a few things straight from the start here, this isn’t going to be the sort of look back that slates Battleground. There has been quite enough of that from different quarters already. Also, they’re wrong to do so. Nobody moans more than me when a show masquerading as a PPV is no better than the weekly programme. But it wasn’t the case here.

Likewise, it wasn’t the best example of a premier event either. It was average. But PPV average.

Picking out the highlights here should illustrate the point. Does this mean missing half the card goes against it? Perhaps. But we all need toilet breaks and stock up supplies when watching live, or parts to skip when watching on catch-up.

The most positive reaction from the crowd on the night went to The New Day taking gold from the Usos. A fine match lead to cheers and it shows how over and valuable the trio are.

The Fatal 5-way for the Women’s belt once again failed to live up to its name: not one person died. Nor did the women exactly kill it but the result was a fresh direction. Remember a while ago, yours truly moaned that Natayla should have been given the Money in the Bank briefcase, somebody in the halls of WWE must have been listening. Or thought so themselves or planned it. But the idea of WWE Creative planning so well in advanced is far-fetched. There’s more chance that Vince McMahon personally reads every word I write and follows my career avidly.

It means Natayla can use her experience to carry the SummerSlam match with Naomi.

Based on the 5-way on display here, the bar does need raising.

As does the United States Championship. The Miz, an often-derided Superstar, continues to elevate Raw’s secondary title (as he did with the belt on SmackDown), yet two of the most lauded wrestlers in the business have further devalued the gold in question.

It should be impossible for AJ Styles and Kevin Owens to be slightly above mediocre. It seems the Land of Opportunity can make anything happened and they’ve pulled it off.

Who now cares about the man holding the US Title?

Still, it was cool to claim Owens and AJ had a good match and slag off John Cena versus Rusev.

Sure, we all knew Cena had to win. Rusev has had solid pushes crushed by this opponent before, so he can absorb this defeat. What it does is highlight the regard Cena has for the Bulgarian. He knew they could put on a good match and they did.

The stipulation gave us a reason to go up the ramp which in turn meant we saw some big hits. Cena needing props to see off Rusev does the loser no harm. It was almost like John was putting someone over. Almost.

Jinder Mahal against Randy Orton in a Punjabi Prison match drew more groans than sounds of excitement from the WWE Universe. To be fair to the former jobber, WWE should have moved his story on from Orton by now.

Again, they proved to be good methodical workers but in a match already viewed as a crammed concept, it didn’t go down well.

Then the inevitable happened followed by genuine shocks.

As expected the Singh Brothers interfered. They’d been hiding beneath the ring and prevented The Viper from escaping. For their troubles Sami Singh took a bump from high up through an announce table. It was a bad landing, almost as bad as Tom Philips’ commentary.

Still, even when it looked like Orton would prevail, we knew he couldn’t. What prevented this was a shock. Down the ramp walked The Great Khali. In a time when we have to accept Mahal as WWE Champion, it’s not a stretch to pretend Khali is a threat again.

He placed his gigantic hands through the cage and choked out Randy – Indian Interference Outta Nowhere – to allow his kayfabe countryman slowly climb and ascend to victory.

Brace yourself for Cena squashing Jinder sometime soon.

5/10